Is your Glass half empty or half full? Or can you not find the glass?

When positivity becomes toxic.

“Think positive” is a mantra for our times.  No matter what has befallen you and how lousy you feel about it, someone is bound to tell you to “Think Positive,” as if positivity was a magic potion.

 “In fact there is no problem or obstacle for which positive thinking or a positive attitude has not been proposed as a cure,” says one of my favorite authors, Barbara Ehrenreich, who wrote “Bright-Sided. How the relentless promotion of positive thinking has undermined America.  The worst offender according to Ehrenreich, who had breast cancer, is the cancer establishment which pushes positivity so hard that cancer patients who die feel that it was their fault because they weren’t “positive” enough.  

As someone with cancer myself, being told to be “positive” makes me want to start throwing punches.  So does the whole “fighting cancer” trope which encourages patients to undergo grueling treatments with no regard for their quality of life.

This does not mean that optimism is bad for you.  In fact studies show that optimistic people do live longer. Personally, I think in my case If I hadn’t smoked two packs a day for 25 years and wound up weighing over 200 pounds, I’d make it to my nineties.  Unfortunately, optimism is not in my genetic makeup.  I’ve made it to eighty and that’s more than the three score and ten my ancestors expected.

So what’s wrong with optimism? Besides getting on my nerves, it denies that people have real feelings and doesn’t allow for the expression of genuine emotion.  It forces people to pretend that everything is OK even if it isn’t.  It doesn’t allow for empathy, which is what anyone in distress really needs. 

In fact, most of us don’t understand what empathy is.   This YouTube video explains it.

That doesn’t mean being empathetic is easy. People offer toxic positivity because they genuinely want to be helpful. They don’t realize how alienating it is.    

Toxic positivity is especially insidious as we age.   With aging comes loss and sorrow and dying, but the pressure to be “positive” makes us unwilling to talk openly about our feelings and fears.  We’re supposed to be upbeat and positive and “age gracefully.”    At least in public.  This leaves many of us feeling more isolated and alone, leading to despair.  That’s the reason for the Death Cafes springing up around the country where people can speak openly about taboo topics like death. 

So what exactly IS toxic positivity and how do we know we’re displaying it?  Besides coming across as a lack of empathy…. with toxic positivity, we want to make someone feel better but it does the opposite—it shuts the other person up.   Let’s say your friend got a difficult diagnosis.  Instead of listening you try to reassure them everything will be OK, which creates a disconnect.  You can’t bond with someone if you’re unwilling to listen to their grief, sadness or anger. Or just sit there and be silent with them.

So how DO you show empathy.

STFU, (Shut the Fuck Up) a they say on social media.  Just listen.   If you need to talk, say stuff like “that must be hard,” or “It sucks that you’re going through this.” A hug helps.

DON’T give advice.   Guaranteed I am not going to drink raw aloe or kale juice or ayahuasca or some other disgusting surefire cure for cancer.     

 DON’T ask what you can do to help unless you’re actually prepared to offer something helpful even if it’s inconvenient.     I’m always tempted to answer, $20,000 would be a big help. But bringing a hero from my favorite deli would be nice too—but you do have to go there, stand on line, and remember the right ingredients.

DO ask “Can I visit?”  And “what do you need me to bring?”  Then show up with chocolate and food that can be stored in the freezer.  

DO ask if you can binge watch my favorite show with me.  If you’re stuck at home, finding friends willing to settle in for K-dramas isn’t easy.   Don’t forget the chocolate.

DON’T DISAPPEAR.   This is the worst, most hurtful thing you can do to a friend with cancer.  We all have friends who couldn’t deal with our diagnosis and ghosted us.  If there is such a thing as karma, it will get you for this.

(A version of this article originally appeared in LifeExperienced.com)