Trump is ordered to work with Marie Kondo on organizing his boxes

“I know I need help,” he admits

U.S. Department of Justice

Breaking News

 Judge Aileen Cannon has given Donald Trump an alternative to a trial on the charges of retaining classified documents despite numerous requests by the FBI to return them.  

 On the advice of a forensic psychologist, she has ruled that he is “mentally ill” suffering from “hoarding disorder.”    He has all the symptoms as listed by the Cleveland Clinic: 

• Inability to get rid of possessions.

• Experiencing extreme stress when attempting to throw out items.

• Anxiety about needing items in the future.

• Uncertainty about where to put things.

• Distrust of other people touching possessions.

• Living in unusable spaces due to clutter.

• Withdrawing from friends and family.

However, due to his age and physical condition, plus the fact that she owes him big time for appointing her, she has given him the opportunity to defer the trial and undergo treatment instead.  

He was immediately offered a slot on the reality show “Hoarders,” where he could be paid to undergo treatment and get publicity as well.

Trump did not waste a minute refusing this option.  Against the advice of his legal team and everyone else he ever met including his friends and fellow felons:  Roger Stone, Steve Bannon, Rudy Giuliani and his children--Ivanka, Eric and Don Jr. --who are all experienced in avoiding indictment on fraud charges--he asserted,

 “I declassified them with my mind when I was President and they’re still mine.  Mine, mine, mine.  They have my personal stuff in them, like I don’t want anyone looking through my boxes, I really don’t.”  Trump asserted they contained “all types of personal belongings — many, many things, shirts and shoes, everything, even adult diapers and a male corset.”

Cannon, in her infinite wisdom and her vast experience adjudicating two criminal trials, including one of a man with a psychopathology similar to Trump’s who hurled a chair across the courtroom, gave him a second option.  

Stating that working with a bestselling author might be more appealing to his ego than admitting to a psychological disorder, she ordered him to go through all his boxes with Marie Kondo, legendary “Queen of Clean” and decide what to keep and what to sell to a foreign intelligence agency.  

 Kondo will help him sort out the classified documents and decide which ones “spark joy,” such as maps of our military bases that he can show to Saudi dinner guests, versus those which can be discarded, or returned to the U.S. archives, like the menus for state dinners or portraits of Joe Biden. 

Here are her suggestions for sorting the rest of the documents

“My basic principle for sorting papers is to throw them all away,” says Marie. “Obviously this won’t work for Trump who never met a piece of paper he didn’t want to hold onto.”

 Marie recommends dividing boxes into two categories: papers to be saved and papers to be dealt with. For papers to be saved, she suggests Trump needs to decide which would be worth selling to the Chinese, the Russians or the Saudis versus which are just fun to show to dinner guests at Mar-a-Lago.  

Her additional tips for Trump :

• Take small steps.  Tackle one area at a time. Small and consistent wins can lead to big wins.   The first step is to label the boxes.   Are they filled with classified documents or golfing shoes?  Once you know what’s in them you can figure out who to sell them to.

• Do NOT hoard boxes of papers in plain sight.  They’re not only unsightly but easy to find by the FBI and other government agencies.  Bathrooms and stages are too easy to access.   Why not a storage space under the stage?   Why not a secret bunker?    

• If you have classified documents in boxes piled in your tub or shower, move them.   You may have other bathrooms but one of the illegal immigrants in your employ might want to shower in the bathroom with the boxes, thereby destroying America’s plans to retaliate after a Chinese nuclear strike. 

•  Remind yourself that you don't have to live in chaos and distress — that you (in this case the United States) deserve better. Focus on your goals and what you can gain by reducing boxes of classified documents in your home—like the need for yet another legal team.  The first thing you will achieve is a reduction in subpoenas and subsequent indictments.   Remember there’s not much room for clutter in a jail cell.