2021 New Year’s Resolutions that I will probably never keep
Does anyone actually keep their New Year’s resolutions?
This is the Snarky Sunday edition of Snarky Senior — the newsletter from Erica Manfred, which you can read about here. If you like it and don’t want to miss an issue, you can get it in your inbox by subscribing. And share with friends.
A New Year’s Resolution is like a diet. As soon as you go on a diet you get very hungry and just want to stuff yourself. The authors of one of my favorite books about the futility of dieting once said, “Every diet has an equal and opposite binge.”
The same for New Year’s resolutions. As soon as I make one I want to break it.
So here is a list of resolutions I will probably never keep. They are separated into what I’d like to accomplish in the New Year in case I drop dead unexpectedly or in case I live through 2021. This is what it’s like to be old, folks.
6 Resolutions in Case I Drop Dead Unexpectedly in 2021:
1. I will finally do an advance directive and living will. I already wrote about wanting to do this months ago but of course never did.
2. I will make arrangements for my cat Yenta. Since she is my only dependent, I have twisted the arm of my friend Jeremy who has reluctantly said he would take her if I drop dead unexpectedly. But I still have to figure out how he’ll find out I’ve been picked up by the EMTs or reside in the morgue, and be able to get into my gated community to get her. He knows where the key is—I hope. (Hint-under the stone turtle)
3. I will get my finances in order. I haven’t got much money. But I would like someone besides the bank or the state to get the pittance I have saved. I resolve to put my foster daughter Tina on my accounts.
4. I will write a will. I can’t believe I don’t even have a will. I did have one but ditched it because it was obsolete and I thought I’d make another one. I never did.
5. I will give Tina access to my Facebook account and passwords. Someone has to tell people what happened to me when I drop dead unexpectedly
6. Despite the fact that I am old and have many ailments, I WILL NOT DROP DEAD UNEXPECTEDLY IN 2021
Resolutions in case—despite all odds—I manage to make it through 2021:
I will organize my computer files. The last time someone messed with my thousands of files, disaster struck. My computer consultant decided to save me money and switch me from Dropbox to Google Drive. After a 24 hour download, I wound up with duplicate folders and files all over the place, many of which were corrupted, and tore my hair out for months trying to figure out what was where. I managed only damage control. I have been using the same system to organize my files ever since the 1980s. It didn’t make sense back then and it doesn’t make sense now, but every year it the tangle gets worse.
I will go through the stacks of papers on my desk. I thought being at home during the pandemic would encourage me to go through all that old mail— bills, bank statements, political ads and God knows what else—and either file or toss. But just looking at the piles makes me want to go out and shop for food.
I will go to more doctors to catch up on my ailing body parts. On my list: cardiologist, otolaryngologist, gastroenterologist, pulmonologist, and dermatologist. I could just spend all my time seeing doctors if I wished, but I’m the opposite of a hypochondriac, whatever that is. I dream of having just one doctor who could take care of the whole me. I’m afraid I will always be a collection of body parts to the medical profession.
I will move to a condo with a water view. I deserve to NOT look out on a parking lot. This is Florida forgodsakes. There’s water everywhere. I am determined to make this happen this year when my lease is up.
I will NOT respond to trolls and bashers on Facebook. Believe it or not some people hate what I write. Ok, a lot of people. And I hate those people back and I don’t pull any punches when it comes to fighting with them. I have already been thrown off at least 3 Facebook uber-PC women’s writers’ groups for defending my unpopular views. Which has raised my blood pressure to unacceptable levels, necessitating yet another doctor. I will remind myself I started this newsletter to reach like-minded folks who are tolerant of my irreverence.
I WILL NOT DROP DEAD UNEXPECTEDLY IN 2021
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