8 Reasons Why We--Your Parents--Are Not Returning Your Calls

We are not helicoptering anymore. We are jetting to Maui.

This is the Snarky Sunday edition of Snarky Senior — the newsletter from Erica Manfred, which you can read about here. If you like it and don’t want to miss an issue, you can get it in your inbox by subscribing.

1.      We know you are going to ask for money.  We get it.  There’s a pandemic, unemployment is skyrocketing.  You are poor, burdened by your college loans, stuck working part time in an Amazon warehouse annoying customers by packing tiny boxes in huge boxes because no one will hire a 35-year-old whose career goal is to help humanity.  We don’t care about humanity.

2.      We know you want to move back home because your landlord is threatening to evict you. Our hearts bleed because your Amazon check doesn’t cover the extravagant rent you took on when you deluded yourself into thinking that Habitat for Humanity or some other worthy cause would hire you for six figures despite your having absolutely no experience in the non-profit sector. We also know your state has suspended evictions due to the pandemic.  Checkmate. 

3.      We have no space for you anymore. Your room is rented and the basement has been converted into an Ebay store.  Someone will want the American Girl dolls and vintage Barbies that you now consider “icons of oppression.”  No you can’t sleep on the couch.  Couch surfing is not a “thing” in our world.

4.      We don’t want to be lectured about your gender or lack thereof, and ordered to refer to you as “they.”  No. Just no.

5.      We don’t want you taking over our refrigerator with quinoa and gag-inducing soy products whilst throwing out our burger meat and pork chops amidst accusations about the immorality of eating sentient beings.  As long as we don’t eat Herman, our poodle, we’re in the clear IMHO.

6.      We have no interest in being lectured about our generation’s responsibility for global warming because we own vehicles with internal combustion engines.   That’s never stopped you from asking for our car keys.   We may not always recycle, but we have not singlehandedly melted the arctic ice sheet.

7.      We don’t want to hear about what terrible parents we were just because we did your homework for you, bailed you out when you were arrested for selling pot and lied to get you into a decent college which you flunked out of.  We are not helicoptering anymore.  We are jetting to a vacation in Maui.  Which is very expensive.

8.      When you present us with a grandchild we will reconsider.  Until then, consider yourself blocked.

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