Advice to my 30-year-old self

Hello young Erica, it’s me, old Erica. Here are some do’s and don’ts for a happy life as an Erica. Or at least a more OK life considering how neurotic you are.

This is the Snarky Sunday edition of Snarky Senior — the newsletter from Erica Manfred, which you can read about here. If you like it and don’t want to miss an issue, you can get it in your inbox by subscribing.

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A fellow newsletter writer who is turning 30 asked me for a guest post.  She wanted me to write something for twenty-somethings who are afraid of aging.  I told her it wouldn’t be anything reassuring because aging basically sucks. 

Then she spilled the beans, it’s for her.  She’s turning 30 and she’s the one who is afraid of aging.  I can’t give her personal advice because I don’t know her, but I hope she’ll settle for advice that I would have given to my 30 year old self.  I’ve got lots of that.

So here goes

Hello young Erica, it’s me, old Erica.  Here are some do’s and don’ts for a happy life as an Erica.  Or at least a more OK life considering how neurotic you are.

1.   STOP SMOKING. THIS MINUTE.  If you keep smoking two packs a day for another ten years, you will get COPD in your sixties and lung cancer in your seventies.     Getting old is not a picnic, but it’s a hell of a lot easier if you’re not coughing and gasping for breath.  Just do it.

2.  BRUSH AND FLOSS RELIGIOUSLY.   It is no fun to become a toothless old hag.  You know you have terrible teeth, but you can save them if you stop smoking and start flossing.   By the time you are forty your teeth will start falling out unless you take care of them NOW.

3.      STOP DIETING.   You are merely chubby now, but ten more years of yo-yo dieting will put you over 250 pounds and on the way to a gastric bypass.   Eat whatever you want, but listen to your body and let it tell you when you’re hungry and when you’re full.   Make this book your new bible: Overcoming Overeating” by Carol Munter and Jane Hirschmann.   You will not get thin, but you will be less fat.   Accept yourself the way you are.

4.   DON’T GET MARRIED.  You have terrible taste in men.  You are attracted to losers who treat you like dirt.  Fat girls tend to be desperate when it comes to men, and you are no exception.   You will wind up marrying the wrong man. He will make your life miserable, in ways you can’t even imagine.  You will rationalize this terrible decision by writing a funny essay entitled “In Defense of Desperation” but it will be a total crock.   It should have been called “In Defense of Self-Deception.” 

5.   KEEP SCREWING AROUND.  Girls today seem to think it’s OK to just hook up, but we didn’t back then.   You go enjoy sex, have a lot more of it.  But make the guy wear a condom because a very nasty disease called AIDS is coming and it might kill you if you don’t.  

6.      DON’T STAY WITH A MAN UNLESS YOU LIKE THE WAY HE SMELLS. Pay attention to your nose or you may wind up marrying the wrong man. That’s how you wound up marrying the loser.   You kept rationalizing that the sex would get better.  It never did.   And he punished you for that—big time.

7.      BUY THAT COTTAGE YOU RENTED IN THE HAMPTONS.  Don’t be an idiot.  It cost all of $11,000.    You may not have $11,000 but someone—probably your parents--will loan you the money.  You will become a millionaire from that investment. Getting old is way more fun when you have money.  And a place in the Hamptons.  

8.      DON’T LEAVE NEW YORK CITY.  So you love the Catskills and think you want a house there. Get over it.   Don’t give up that gorgeous rent-stabilized apartment in Washington Heights.  Once you leave New York you can’t go back.   You are a City girl and New York is your home.  If you leave you will regret it for the rest of your life.

9.  BE AMBITIOUS.    OK, it’s hard for women.  Feminism hasn’t been invented yet.  But it will be.  When it is, don’t be intimidated by all those outspoken women in your consciousness-raising group.  They’ll be your friends if you let them.  And they’ll inspire you.

10.  DON’T WORRY ABOUT HAVING A BABY.    You don’t like babies, you like older kids. Foster a couple of them.  Saving lives is so much better than adding to the excess population.   

11.  TREASURE YOUR GIRLFRIENDS.   To hell with marriage.  Nurture your friendships.   You’re much better at friendship than romance. 

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If you know someone who might enjoy some snark in their inbox once or twice a week, forward this newsletter their way. You can subscribe (and link to it) here. Buy my Snarky Senior book here or follow me on Twitter here (Don’t expect much. I hate Twitter), and on Facebook here (I love Facebook. It’s where we older folks hang out). Email me anytime at Askerica@gmail.com. Suggestions and feedback welcome.