This is the Snarky Sunday edition of Snarky Senior — the newsletter from Erica Manfred, which you can read about here. If you like it and don’t want to miss an issue, you can get it in your inbox by subscribing.
I cough…a lot. Loudly. I’ve got crappy lungs. I won’t go into detail about what’s wrong with me because I hate to talk about my ailments. I’d like to appear healthy despite the fact that I’m not, but that’s impossible because it’s impossible to hide a bad cough.
Not only is this the worst time in history to have a chronic cough, since people are paranoid about COVID, but a cough is the most inconvenient and embarrassing ailment to have at any time because people feel like they have to do something to help you.
At least I haven’t had to deal with being a nuisance at a theater lately, but in a supermarket, at the pool or just walking back through the parking lot to my apartment, people get very upset at hearing me hack away.
I understand that asking, “Are you OK” is a reflexive reaction, but it puts the burden on me, the sick person, to reassure the well person that I don’t need help. Somehow it’s not fair. I’m the one suffering with a cough, but I have to take care of other people nearby who suffer with panic that I might imminently collapse and they’ll have to rescue me, or call 911.
What the hell can I say in response to “Are you OK?” There is only one way to answer that question. I have to say I’m OK, which pisses me off because I’m really not OK. Of course I don’t describe what’s actually wrong with me and why I’m coughing, because no one wants to hear it. So I say yes, I’m fine, which makes them feel better and gets them to leave me alone…sometimes.
So what would I prefer? Should people just ignore me and pretend I’m not coughing? I wish they would but few people are that cool.
I wonder what would happen if I just said, “No, I’m not OK” and left it at that. Why do I have to make well people feel better about me being not well?
One of my friends--who is older than me and thinks that she should, by rights, be sicker than me-- is compelled to come up with remedies for my ailments.
“Erica, you have to drink more water. It will help with the cough.”
“But I hate water,” I tell her, “I’d much rather drink coffee or ginger ale.”
“No, no, you musn’t drink coffee, it’s dehydrating and ginger ale is terrible because it’s carbonated which is terrible for you. And you shouldn’t be drinking cold beverages anyway with a cough.”
I could not convince her that plain water was not going to do it for me because I hate it. I kept trying to come up with alternative beverages and finally hung up on her in frustration. Eventually it occurred to me that I was the one who was sick and she was making me sicker.
Why did I have to submit to the ministrations of Dr. Glenda? Was she covered by Medicare?
Dealing with the illnesses of others can bring out the worst in people—especially people who have control issues. Being a control freak myself—and a medical writer who thinks she knows everything--I have personal experience on the other side of this issue. I recently told a friend how to deal with her cataract revision surgery since I’d had one recently. I was very pushy about sending her to my ophthalmologist, who wound up doing a not-so-great job. She has avoided me ever since and even called me a know-it-all. Ouch! I don’t blame her.
I have really missed seeing people in person during the pandemic. But there is an undeniable upside to Zoom meetings for me—the mute button. It is a real blessing to be able to hit that setting and not hear “Are you OK?” I wish some clever inventor would come up with a mute button for my real life cough.
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Very funny😊. Though in my opinion you may be missing the point about why (at least some) people want to help. Helping isn’t always about control. It can also be about love. Not asking if someone is okay, when it seems someone is not okay, is a sign of not-loving, in my book. I’ve been the person no one notices or asks about. It ain’t a nice feeling! But insisting a person takes your antidote or giving advice when it isn’t requested (or when the person kindly says they don’t want your advice) is a whole other thing entirely. I hope it’s okay to say that I really you feel better!!