Hospital or Prison--which is worse

I'll take the slammer

                                                                                                        

Two weeks ago, I almost stopped breathing and was transported to a hospital in an ambulance. I’ve been in the hospital many times for elective surgery but this was my first ride in an ambulance. I much prefer an Uber.

 FYI breathing has never been my strong suit.  I refuse to take responsibility for the terrible state of my lungs because I stopped smoking 40 years ago.  However, my poor lungs never recovered.

The hospital experience was so awful I think I’d have been much happier if I’d been arrested and locked up for oh, let’s say, murder.    

In the hospital:

• You’re confined to a cramped room with someone you don’t know who may be prepping for a colonoscopy using a potty next to the bed.  This happened to me.  Unfortunately, the only sense I have left that works perfectly is my sense of smell.

• You have no autonomy.   You can’t leave your cell (room).   There are alarms on the bed and the chair in case you attempt an escape.  The alarm on my chair could have woken up half the hospital. When I asked nurse why it was there, she said “because you’re a fall risk.”  I told her, “I’m not a fall risk, I can walk fine.  I’m here for pneumonia.”  

• You can’t pee on your own.   I was attached to an external catheter which prevented me from getting up.   When I asked about getting an adult diaper, they said they didn’t have any. This should be illegal. Access to incontinence products for the elderly is as crucial as access to sanitary pads for the young.

• It’s impossible to sleep because bright lights are turned on as soon as you fall asleep. There is constant noise either from the people attending the patient in the next bed or from the hall in a constant din. Fact: Sleep deprivation is considered torture.   I can attest that it works.  I would have dropped a dime on my best friend for a night’s sleep.     

• Even if you’re not on suicide watch they watch you and wake you up at all hours for “tests.”  A nurse whispered to me that I had the right to refuse such indignities as 3 am blood pressure checks but I had to battle persistent test takers.   One aide actually washed me from head to toe at 4am even though I wasn’t dirty.  Another wanted to draw my blood at 5am and kept persisting when I refused.  I had to scream “no” at her.

• You are put through nonsensical tests that can ruin whatever makes life worth living.  I got a “swallow” test from a speech therapist on a Friday.  When I coughed after a sip of water she said, “You can’t tolerate thin liquids, I’m going to put you on a diet of thick liquids.” I told her, “Everything makes me cough.  I have pneumonia.”     That meant no coffee, no water, no diet soda until Monday when I got another test.   All I got was flavored goop that tasted disgusting.  I had to have friends smuggle in coffee or I would have become psychotic.

• The food sucks.  No matter what diet you’re on.     

• Only drug addicts do well.   Anyone with “bad” veins is at the mercy of nurses constantly poking you with needles to find non-existent veins.

• They search you when you’re admitted and take things away from you. —including any meds you have, razor blades, and your wallet (under the guise that it could be stolen) I wanted my wallet back mid-stay and had to have a friend call security, told them I was in a hospital, not prison and they better give me back my wallet or a they’d hear from a lawyer.    I got it back.

• You are trapped. You can’t escape.

In Prison

• You get to go to the toilet without being attached to a catheter. 

• You’re treated like an adult, albeit a dangerous one, not a child who doesn’t have the capacity to understand English.

• You can get a night’s sleep, although the hours might not be those you prefer.   At least the lights are dimmed at night. They don’t wake you up at all hours.

• You get to go out to the yard and see daylight and sunshine.

• An alarm doesn’t go off when you get out of bed or up from a chair.

• You’re not hooked up to machinery.

• You get to socialize and meet your peers and eat meals with others.

• You can tunnel through the walls to escape.