I have decided to take a trip to the Titanic off my bucket list

Not only am I claustrophobic but once I sat down on the floor, I wouldn’t be able to get up.

Provided by Ocean Gate...

Now that five billionaires got blown up, or blown in, while attempting to see a shipwreck that sunk their equally rich predecessors in 1912, I have decided to take visiting the Titanic wreck off my bucket list.  

Sure, I’d like to see that prow where Leonardo Di Caprio romanced Kate Winslet to the tune of My Heart Will Go On, but my heart wouldn’t go on for long in a tiny submersible made out of fiberglass and superglue.   Not only am I claustrophobic but once I sat down on the floor, I wouldn’t be able to get up.

Here are some other things I’ve taken off my bucket list:

• Visit Paris.   I went to Paris for my honeymoon, a disaster which should have clued me in that my marriage was going to end in divorce and Paris was not for me.   I was jet lagged, it rained all week and my husband expected me to speak French, order food and figure out directions.  In pre smartphone days without iTranslate or Google Maps I could do none of these.    He sulked the entire time.   I tried to lose him at the Paris flea market but somehow he found his way back to our hotel and tortured me the rest of the time.

• Climb Mt. Everest.   Reading Into Thin Air by Jon Krakauer was enough to discourage me. I probably wouldn’t survive the 22-hour plane ride to Nepal much less the 10-day trek to base camp.  I barely survived my last 3-hour plane ride from Fort Lauderdale to New York and the trek to the rental car kiosk

• Drive the Paris to Dakar Rally.  I’m way too late for this one—it doesn’t even go from Paris to Dakar anymore, it’s just called the Dakar Rally and it takes place in Saudi Arabia.   Women aren’t even allowed to drive in Saudi Arabia.  It’s been a fantasy because I used to love navigating with a map on long road trips.  Not only is Paris to Dakar obsolete but so are maps.   Just shows that if you put off items in your bucket list too long, they get dumped out of the bucket by someone else.

• Read Anna Karenina.  Since the invention of audiobooks I’ve been able to get through a number of bucket list tomes, including David Copperfield and Pride and Prejudice, but Anna really defeated me.  I kept wishing she would jump in front of a train already.  I don’t remember if I made It all the way through because I fell asleep.

• Write a bestselling book.    Unfortunately, the only sure bestsellers are by Michelle Obama, Paris Hilton, or other celebs.  You may also have a shot if you worked for Trump, are a Prince who is hounded by the paparazzi, if you suffered severe abuse as a child, are an immigrant of color who graduated from Harvard after rowing to the U.S. on a leaky boat, or grew up in a cult.   If you’re not black, Hispanic or Asian don’t even try—unless you grew up in a cult.   And you better look young in that author photo—unless you grew up in a cult.  No wrinkly authors need apply.    My book ideas are all about old Jewish people in Century Village.   Any takers?

• Skydive.  OK, this was never ON my bucket list but I always thought it might be fun to try.  It’s on so many bucket lists it’s become a cliché.  I’d probably break a leg hitting ground so I’d rather zipline in the rainforest but that would mean going to a rainforest which would necessitate airplane travel which is no longer a mode of transportation I wish to participate in.    Now, If I could drive to a rainforest that might work.

• Move to the Best Exotic Marigold Hotel for the elderly and beautiful.  This is still on my bucket list. I want to be taken care of by Dev Patel in an unconventional assisted living situation with a bunch of other broke, oddball non conformists like myself who are too snobby and poor to move to regular assisted living.   I want interesting, cultured people to talk to and delicious food prepared for me, while saving a ton of money.   The only problem is such a place doesn’t exist.   I know this because I actually looked for one after the movie came out. 

  What are you ditching from your bucket list?