What number is your pain?

Pick a number from 1 to 10 then see if your doctor can guess what it is

            

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  If you are one of the unfortunate many with chronic pain you are undoubtedly acquainted with the pain scale.   I became very familiar with it during my journey to back surgery for a bulging disk that was causing sciatica, Every doctor visit was accompanied by a question about what number pain I was experiencing.  At first I resisted. 

              “But I’m not in pain when I’m sitting down, like now. Do you want that number or what happens when  get up?

She gave me a blank stare.   I assumed this was the wrong answer or the wrong question so I thought back to what happened when I got up.             

              “Can’t I just say shooting pain, or achy, or unbearable.”

              “No, you can’t” the unhelpful medical assistant replied.  “You have to give it a number.” 

               She pursed her lips and sighed, which I interpreted as, “you better come up with a number or else.”

 I eventually got the message.  Probably Medicare needed to know that I was in enough pain or they might not pay for the surgery.   So I asked how to come up with the right number.   She said, “one is no pain and 10 is childbirth, go from there.”

Since I’d never had a child,  I decided I was at 6,7 or 8.   Any lower might be too low to qualify and higher might be, well, exaggerating.  I wasn’t groaning in agony after all, unless I tried to walk a block.  Now I always say 6, 7 or 8 just to be on the safe side.

But the pain scale still pissed me off.   So I came up with my own example of how I interpreted the numbers.  This scale helps:

1.       Sitting in the doctor’s office being pissed off about being asked how much pain I’m in. 

2.       Asking to go to the bathroom in the doctor’s office and then hobbling to the bathroom in  with directions such as:  down the hall to the right.  It’s a very long hall with many doors on the right and I realize I’m in pain trying to get there.

3.       Groaning when I stand up after peeing and see a large black object on floor and  bend over to pick it up. .

4.       Shrieking when I pick up that object from the floor and realize it’s a palmetto bug (gigantic roach) and I  throw it across the room  and fall on my rear end and am really in a lot of pain. Shooting pain.  I can’t get up even holding on to the sink.

5.       Fumbling for my phone to call 911 because I’m in so much pain,

6.       Getting roughly picked up from floor by EMTs to whom I am a mere package to schlepp to the hospital.

7.       Waking up from the lovely painkillers I got from EMTs to agonizing pain from my fall

8.       Having to stand up sideways for x rays with sharp stabs from what might be broken ribs.

9.       Being poked and prodded by orthopedist trying to figure out what I broke.   Gasping and moaning from examination.   Seems I didn’t break anything, just threw out my back.   I wish I could throw out my back and order another one.

10.   Going home and having to get up to go to the bathroom.   I gave this an 10 because I was on my own and that was worse than the pain.

I’m sure this is of no help to you since my pain is not your pain.   I suggest you just wing it.  No matter what number you give your pain the doctor is not going to give you enough drugs so enjoy the ones you get as long as they last.